A Mary Sue Alphabet: Hogan's Heroes Edition
by Limmet
Summary: A is for Allison. A true flying sensation, who has earned Hogan’s respect and admiration, As 'Curse of the Luftwaffe' she is commonly known, Has hundreds of kills from the missions she’s flown...


_**Author's notes:**__ This is all meant to be in good fun, and is not aimed at any specific authors or Mary Sues. Any resemblance to a Sue you might have written is purely a coincidence._

_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own Hogan's Heroes or any of the characters; I merely borrow them and play with them for a while._

_The original idea for a Mary Sue alphabet poem is not mine but belongs to Irony-chan. Permission to use it has been asked and granted._

* * *

**A **is for** Allison**

A true flying sensation  
Who has earned Hogan's  
Respect and admiration  
As _Curse of the Luftwaffe_  
She is commonly known  
Has hundreds of kills  
From the missions she's flown  
A pilot ace unmatched  
Why, right next to her  
The Red Baron was naught  
But a bumbling amateur

---

**B **is for **Brigitte**

She believes war is wrong  
And secretly wishes  
Everyone got along  
But with father an officer in the SS  
And mother a friend of Eva Braun  
Who can blame poor Brigitte  
For being gloomy and down  
So she agrees to spy for the Allies  
Our Heroes need only say _please_  
And soon the military might of the Reich  
Has been brought to its knees

---

**C **is for **Christy**

Here she is in Stalag 13  
A brat of epic proportions  
A snotty insult machine  
Already in her first day at camp  
She waltzes up to Klink  
Informing him snidely that  
"Hey Kraut, you really stink!"  
A mystery why she isn't in the cooler  
Perhaps intervention from an evil god?  
Well, no one really knows  
But dare we at least hope for a firing squad?

---

**D **is for **Denise**

Being as perceptive as she is  
A mere glance is enough for Denise  
Their innermost secrets she won't miss  
Whereas others only at first  
See Newkirk the crook and the thief  
She spots the good guy beneath  
And that Kinch harbours an old hidden grief  
Hogan's cockiness is only a facade  
He's a caring man at heart, she reckons  
After in the Heroes' presence having spent  
A grand total of three seconds

**---**

**E **is for **Else**

Poor Newkirk is on the run  
After a botched mission  
A bullet from an SS gun  
And he's down for the count  
Good thing he was quickly found  
By a farmer girl who made sure  
His wounds were tenderly bound  
And soon he was healed  
Just like one, two, three  
Amazing what some can do  
Without even a medical degree

---

**F **is for **Florence**

She had a brilliant plan:  
"If the Army won't take a girl  
I'll dress up as a man!"  
Hair cut and chest wrap  
No one saw through her clever disguise  
Not until she ended up in Stalag 13  
And to everyone's utter surprise  
Revealed the dastardly truth  
Still, the reader strongly doubts  
She even got through boot camp  
Or a strip-search by the Krauts

---

**G **is for **Gabrielle**

The author's notes unconvincingly say,  
"I wrote this story real quick  
Like in half an hour, but I hope it's okay"  
Well, maybe that explains why  
Gabrielle's hair starts out as fine-woven gold  
And then changes to deep crimson  
But there will be romance, so we're told  
When Newkirk shows up, oh, it's gonna click  
Between him and this strange chameleon chick  
Perhaps we should all be glad  
There is only one chapter of this fic

**---**

**H **is for **Heather**

Hogan's equal in rank  
A full colonel, indeed  
Brave, assertive and frank  
Pair of eagles on her collar  
Orders the men into formation  
That the military back then  
Was an all male installation  
Is conveniently ignored  
Heather's rank is a mystery  
But that's alright, 'cause  
Eh, who cares about history?

**---**

**I **is for **Ilsa**

A cruel Gestapo officer indeed  
Who kills and tortures for fun  
Laughs as her poor victims bleed  
Why, she even kicks puppies  
Her heart as black as the night  
But all it takes is a certain colonel  
And lo, Ilsa embraces the light  
Evil deeds are renounced  
As she and Hogan soon get it on  
If every German turned this easily  
WW2 would already be won

---

**J **is for **Jen**

Men in the 40s were all sexist dopes  
In need of some enlightenment  
So to show our Heroes the ropes  
Along comes a female POW  
"Women can do more," preached Jen  
"Than just give birth and cook  
We are as able as you men  
To fire guns and pilot planes"  
Perhaps we'd all be more at ease  
If this story didn't read  
Like a feminist propaganda piece

**---**

**K **is for **Katrina**

The Allies or the Reich?  
Well, choosing sides isn't easy  
When British and German blood alike  
Flow in your veins  
Her soul and heart hang low  
With loyalties torn in two  
There's drama, angst, and woe!  
But all it takes is a Hero  
And a romance, a fling  
For us to count on Katrina  
To do the right thing

---

**L **is for **Laurie**

A great leader of the resistance  
Braver and stronger than anyone else  
She fights with admirable persistence  
The SS, Gestapo officials and torture  
Bring it on, nothing scares Laurie!  
But when the mission is over  
And we reach the end of the story  
A trace of weakness can be seen  
As she falls into Hogan's embrace  
Will there be trouble in Paradise? Guess not  
Because of Tiger there's no single trace

---

**M **is for **Melissa**

Melissa is her name  
But to Waltraud, too  
She can lay claim  
Natassja comes next  
But it doesn't end just yet  
The author must first point out  
That she also goes by Yvette  
And last name is Nakamura  
Her pedigree is not told, but  
In the mind of the reader rises  
The image of a street mutt

**---**

**N **is for **Nicole**

The Allies have an ace in the hole  
A secret weapon, an undercover agent  
A girl by the name of Nicole  
The most brilliant spy you'll ever see  
She's simply outstanding, the very best  
High SS officers eat out of her hand  
In Berchtesgaden she's a regular guest  
Friends with Göring and Himmler both  
Marya, you might as well retire  
Because you don't hold a candle  
Against this spying genius in skimpy attire

**---**

**O **is for **Odette**

Being a trained soldier at war  
She should know better than to think  
That salutes are a needless chore  
But instead for our Heroes  
There are plenty of hugs to be had  
And being on first name basis  
Surely can't be all that bad?  
Try as the reader might  
Nowhere can there be seen  
Even a trace of military respect  
From this girl of barely sixteen

---

**P **is for **Paisley**

An American linguistic master  
Tags along with the Heroes  
And neatly diverts disaster  
When the SS get suspicious  
And on our group crack down  
She turns out to speak German  
Like a native of Hammelburg town  
Switches languages like hairstyles  
Converses in Russian with ease  
Speaks French with LeBeau  
And Italian? Why, it's a breeze!

**---**

**Q **is for **Quinn**

Maybe it was a fluke, or an evil curse  
But somehow the TV sucked her in  
And she ended up in HH universe  
In Stalag 13, she got plenty of stares  
In her tank top and tiny skirt  
But that was alright with her  
Just made it easier to flirt  
She turned Stalag 13 into her new home  
Avoiding detection by the Bald Eagle  
But it's never explained why Hogan  
Would fall for a girl who's not even legal

---

**R **is for **Ruslana**

A true daughter of Soviet land  
She downs Vodka like water  
With a Kalashnikov in hand  
Can drink any man  
Right under the table  
And comes complete  
With fur cap and Cossack sable  
Always says _da_ and _kamrad_  
Better stay out of the way  
'Cause this woman is naught  
But a walking cliché

---

**S **is for **Stephanie**

With Stephanie around, camp life is fun  
And Stalag 13 suddenly full of pranks  
Stealing poor old Schultz's gun  
A bucket of water falling on Klink  
Yeah, war is fun, didn't you know?  
Nothing wrong with harassing the Krauts  
They did it all the time in the show  
A true riot she is, hilarity all around  
So much that the reader can't wait  
Until she pulls one on Hochstetter  
And a firing squad is her ultimate fate

---

**T **is for **Teresia**

A new prisoner is arriving  
Ye gods, it's a woman!  
However, she's soon thriving  
Being the only female around  
Strangely, there are no hints of abuse  
Or of harassment or groping  
From all the deprived male POWs  
She traipses around the compound  
Makes the air smell like flowers  
But how she will cope when she learns  
That Stalag 13 only has co-ed showers

**---**

**U **is for **Ursula**

A real fighter, this American girl  
Grew up on the streets, she did  
_Step, punch, kick_ and _whirl  
_And the cocky, arrogant guy  
Who believed girls could not fight  
Is now down on the ground  
Hurting and shivering in fright  
Knowing karate and judo both  
This girl knows how to impress  
But how did she ever learn  
Arts that hardly existed in the US?

---

**V **is for **Valerie**

Poor Hogan, his day started out bad  
When he spotted the new POW arrival  
His little sister, all uniform-clad  
Saluting and grinning like mad  
While she quickly explained  
How she in his absence joined up  
Then got shot down and detained  
And ended up in Stalag 13  
So now Hogan is busy, as it stands  
Protecting his dear little sister  
From Newkirk's wandering hands

---

**W **is for **Wendy**

This girl gets herself out of a pinch  
Fooling Clink and Burkholder both  
Then moving on to befriending Kintch  
And joking with Sergeant Shulz  
But should someone point out  
That the names are all wrong  
The writer will sullenly pout:  
"Well, who cares about them  
They're minor characters all  
This story is about Wendy  
Now go away, or I'm gonna bawl!"

---

**X **is for **Xena**

Youngest pilot in the Air Force  
A mere fifteen but an adult at heart  
She downs Stukas without remorse  
How is this possible, one might ask?  
Well, her father's a colonel  
And we can all assume  
That a bit of paternal  
Patronage goes a long way  
But it doesn't matter, at any rate  
Age is only a number, as they say  
So now Xena pilots her own P-38

---

**Y **is for **Yasmin**

Yasmin, ah, the most perfect creation!  
As she walks across the compound  
The prisoners all gape in admiration  
Tight uniform hugging every curve  
With a shapely figure she's been blessed  
Thick raven curls falling down her back  
Under her jacket heaves an ample chest  
The smile of a heavenly angel  
She has eyes of amethyst green, this Sue  
Except when she's angry  
And they turn a sparkling celestial blue

---

**Z** is for **Zandra**

A girl shouldn't have to choose  
With so many handsome guys around  
Besides, our Heroes will hardly refuse  
So she cuddles with Hogan  
And throws LeBeau a kiss  
Then smooches with Newkirk  
This greedy little miss  
As she gets alone with Carter  
There's a peck and a clinch  
But as usual there's no  
Action for ol' Sergeant Kinch

* * *

_**End note:**_ _Some time ago I posted a similar parody poem over in the Transformers section of ffnet. Some readers were amused, others were not. Let's see how it flies in this fandom. ;) _


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